Our Family of Three

I wrote a blog entry when James was almost a year old. It's interesting to go back and read it, and see how my life has changed even since I wrote it. When I was 37 weeks pregnant with James, I had no idea how different my life would be. I had all of the anticipation of a new baby and a new chapter in life, but I had no idea how I would become completely and utterly in love with this child...that I would lay down my life for him. What a priveledge that I've been given to even glimpse a small portion of the love our Heavenly Father has for us. And now to sit here, 37 weeks pregnant again, and wonder how that love can be multiplied to another? Do I have enough love to give to a second child? About eight months ago, I went to get James out of bed in the morning, and for a short moment felt I had betrayed him by becoming pregnant again. In a moment, his life as he knows it will be turned upside down. He will no longer be the baby. He is destined to a life of sharing and competing. Why couldn't I have left our perfect family perfect? In thirteen days I will have another little boy. And it is much different this time because I know what to expect. But I also have no idea what to expect. But I hope that every moment is better than I think and brings me as much joy and life as before.
Here is that blog entry:

Sunday, February 24, 2008
My grandmother from PA (having a baby changes everything)
I'm really fortunate that I've been able to visit with my grandmother over the past few weeks. She lives in PA, so I haven't spent a great deal of time with her in the recent years; I'm really glad to have been with her this month.

Its really neat to see her interact with my son. I'm sure its as thought provoking for her as it is for me, but in different ways that I won't understand until I'm older. She's been telling me stories about my dad when he was James' age: about how he used to ride his trike up and down the street, about how my grandfather was in the war, so she moved home to take care of her grandmother. There I sat, watching my son and my grandmother, as I listened to her tell me stories of her son and her grandmother. Did she ever sit, watching them, and consider that one day she would be the grandmother? Can I now even fathom James' daughter sitting with me and her son one day? I'm not even really sure how to think of something like that. I'm sure she would have said that it was millions of years away...but here it is now for her.

I watched a Johnson's commercial when I was pregnant and cried. It was the black and white one with the chubby baby taking a bath in the kitchen sink. The tag line at the end of the commerical said "Having a baby changes everything." I cried cause the baby was so cute, and I was hormonal. But I really had no clue what it meant. I knew that a baby would change everything: I wouldn't get as much sleep. I wouldn't just go to the movies anymore. I wouldn't have as much time for myself anymore. And all that was ok. But I was clueless. And I thought I was so smart. No, having a baby changes the way I see my parents. Having a baby changes the way I drive. Having a baby changes the way I look at work, play, the way I think about what music to listen to or what movies to watch. It makes me rethink the junk I eat and the exercise I put off. It makes me want to join MADD and find a cure for childhood cancer. It makes me love my husband a hundred million times more and has even more than before affirmed my belief in Almighty God. It makes me more thoughtful about everything, including my Grandmother from PA.

I haven't seen the Johnson's commercial since. I'm sure if I did, though, I would cry. Not because the baby's so cute (although he would still be). Not because I'm hormonal (well, we won't talk about that). But really because I understand the depth and meaning of the five simple words I thought I understood before. That's the irony of the statement, I guess.